Vikings

By the light of stars
They set sail this night
To lands of new
And villages to fight

Of gold and silver they were told
To be taken by the brave and bold
Protected by men as big as a tree
Slay them we must and claim our victory

New villages were made
And lands were settled
They farmed with spade
And maidens protected

Invades they were,
But now no more
No fight to be had
They had settled their score

Yet their deeds live on
Past through history
Through their stories of war
And great victory

Simba

IMG_0148

Hey you! Hi there, hello!
What’s your name? Mine is Will-oo
Now you’re here and I have your attention
Let me tell you a story I simply must mention
I was born on a farm, but it wasn’t to be
I was put up for adoption, which was safer for me

In this temporary home I made a new friend
Knowing my stay here would someday end
So until then I decided to kick back and relax
Manipulating the humans, to the max
I was on top of our cage, sleeping on my mate,
Enjoying the life, which I thought was just great
When one day, 6ft above the floor
Where I was staying safe, away from the door
Two strangers had arrived; they came for me
I was awoken from my slumber on a cat called Wolf-e
They weren’t dogs or cats but people see?
Introducing themselves were Dad and Mum-ee

I knew before them that they’d take me home
And when I got there I realised I wasn’t alone
A new brother and sister were waiting for me
Don’t know what they look like cause I’m blind you see
My big bro, was a Rascal by name and nature
I thought he was quite, an interesting creature
And get this, it’s no joke
When Misty vanishes just like smoke

I love to sit, on a warm lap
Closing my eyes, drifting into a nap
Mum tickles my head, just behind my ear
Feeling safe, I have nothing to fear
My Dad has a head, which I love to lick
Using a tongue with bristles ever so thick
One day I even followed him up a ladder
Couldn’t understand why he was getting madder
Turns out he was stuck up in the attic
With me at the top he got into a panic
A solution was found and this problem got solved
You wouldn’t believe what this involved!
And after this, dad was a lot more cautious
He kept a closer eye on each and all of us

We have our own room, which is shared
With places to hide if I feel scared
After these events my true personality came out
I get can my own way when loudly I shout
But that’s ok because I am blind as a bat
Simba I’m now called and I’m King Cat!

Then one day Mum and Dad went out
I cried for them and we began to shout
For they had gone to that same place
From where we first met, face to face
And when they came back they were not alone
As they had brought another cat into my royal home!
She was small and black and as feisty as can be
We soon realised she was mad as a nutty Cook-ie!

Amid this expansion I’m sure you can see
That it took us awhile to feel like a fam-il-ee
With happiness reigning entirely in the house
We were playing our favourite game of cat and mouse
Then one day our parents went out again
We don’t want this, it’s a total pain!

And from the CPA they came back
With something tiny coloured white and black
For home they brought the smallest kitten
And after a while we were totally smitten
Soon we realised what was in store
For this small kitten had a purr like a roar
Then one day, he felled dad like a tree
Watched it happen we all did see
“Tttiiimmmbbbeeerrr” we laughed as dad fell in the kitchen
“You called?” whispered this newest addition
Dad must’ve heard us cause shortly thereafter
He changed the kittens name from ‘Timmy’ to ‘Tim-ber’
This cat said, “I can be quiet as a mouse, and quite sneaky”
“I don’t cause all the mischief, yet they always blame me!”

Oh hey, sorry friend, look at the time
The hour is late; it must be near nine,
For now this tail I must briefly conclude
So good day and goodnight, see ya later dude!

Titanic

RMS_Titanic_3

Born in a Belfast dry dock,
Growing bigger in every way
Their sheer size was a shock
The biggest sisters of their day

People stopped and gazed
Stirring all the time
They were looking up amazed
At the flagship of the White Star Line

All aboard the people went
Their hopes were high and free
For their money was all spent
On dreams across the sea.

Full speed ahead, the captain said
A fastest journey to best
Beat this time and forget your bed,
No time for sleep or rest

Whilst crossing the ocean,
Titanic ran out of luck
A disaster was set in motion
When an iceberg was struck

The price to live was set far too high,
And many couldn’t pay
The question was and does remain, “Why
Did hundreds have to die that day?”

These mysteries are proving hard to solve
And a sad truth awaits for some
It was not for lack of money or love
That those answers may never come

Forever deep down on the ocean bed
The sinking still a mystery
We will always remember her brave dead
And their small part in Belfast history.

Hope

The thing that was broken
Has now begun to mend
My hope has been awoken
As I near journeys end

My path has been rough
And filled with much emotion
I knew it was tough
Like sailing a stormy ocean

I do not regret my past
For without it I would not be
Able to move on at last
And finally be free

I can see in plain sight
The end of my plight
The dawn has broken
Now my hope has awoken

A future lies before me
Unwritten and totally free
Whereas before I could not see
That the best is yet to be

I will give it my all
And defiant I stand
Because I will never again fall
For upon my feet I will always land

My Dragon

Black-Dragon-04

My Journey began
So many years ago
Where it will end
I do not know

The scars I have
You cannot see
They are not on my skin
But hidden inside me

The rage that was bottled
Has now begun to crack
Once it shatters
There’s no going back

The fight is on
The dragon has awoken
Now its container
Has finally broken

I will beat this anger
And I will thrive
I am now stronger
And I will survive

You will not kill me
That much is true
You’ve done your worst
And I say ‘Goodbye to you!’

A Cube

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A secret hides in a little red box
Described by a word, rhyming with Ox
It awaits being mixed in many a kitchen
Into something tasty, described as bitchin

It also comes in a few different flavours
Give it more variety for us to savour
It helps make dinner time taste even better
So thank you Oxo for this little letter

Traffic Wardens

The Red Coats are coming!
The Red Coats are coming!
They’re on their way!
I know I’m in trouble
They gona make me pay

When I see them walking about
With their little machines
I love to yell at them and shout
I know what that bloody sign means!

I needed to use the bank
Told them 5 mins is all I’d be
I know it was a taxi rank
They still put a ticket on me!

I’ll yell in their faces
And tell them where to go
I’ll do it in public places
To my red coated foe

And in car parks, they’re just as bad
Sneaking around, it makes me mad
Nasty gits, always looking mean
Hiding around corners, too late to be seen

Look, I swear I bought a ticket and I hadn’t gone far
When I turned around to see him, standing at my car
Tried to say, the wind must’ve blown it down
Got a “too late mate” from the red-coated clown!!!

I mean to say, it doesn’t make sense
Getting such a large fine
For the sake of a few pence
The sneaky Red Coat swine!

I got booked again the other day
Forgot to put the latest badge on display
I said “here listen, sorry ‘bout that mate”
“It’s my fault the badge was out of date”

Warden said “hey no sweat let’s see what I can do”
And what he did next proved his word to be true
For when I showed him the badge from my other car
I won my appeal, thanks to my red-coated star

They even keep the loading bays free
For cars and trucks, to unload
Cause it really bothers me
To carry heavy stuff up the road

They are professional and polite
And very hard working
They never rise to the fight
That people are provoking

And here’s a little known fact
That some may not know
If the wardens failed to act
Our town would not grow

For poor parking would quickly spread
And the roads would start to clog
Shops would soon be dead
Because of the parking backlog

So listen up, and this is true
They are under-appreciated
Most people haven’t a clue
Just how much they are truly needed!

Sorrow

I lost my dad at the age of eight,
And this opened a secret gate.
I went down this path of sorrow,
Only to return the next day, tomorrow.
If only people knew,
Of the pain I’d gone through,
They would think twice,
And take my advice,
To stand your ground and face the threat,
Rather than run away and later regret,
That you did not make that vital stand
And someday shake the hand
That you once feared.

What is a Bad Day like for me?

island during golden hour and upcoming storm
Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

If I was to walk down the street with a bandage or a limb in a plaster cast or even in a wheelchair, I doubt very much that I would have taken as much verbal abuse as I have and I think any physical attacks would have been avoided in their entirety, though I am sure I would receive some sort of verbal attack.

I also seriously doubt that anyone that has ever attacked me in ****** would have done so had I had an arm in a plaster cast.

But with a mental disability, such as PTSD, no-one sees it. No-one sees, nor do I believe they would even care, the impact their words can have on me.

I keep telling myself it’s their opinion and I don’t have to listen to it…but it comes down to the following:

Are their words stronger than my own ability to ignore them? Sadly the answer is sometimes ‘yes’.

I fight to ignore them, but I’m also fighting not to self-harm as a result. I don’t want them to have that kind of power over me. But when I am in a vulnerable mood then my resolve is not strong enough and each word uttered strikes me as though it were a physical blow.

One of the things I have to remember is that my Disability is a hidden one. It is not on show for the public, nor most people, to see. For me it is a private issue as it involves disclosing a lot about my past.

However, I have learned that there are ways to disclose enough so that the listener has a good idea of my past, whilst withholding anything I do not wish them to know e.g. the extent of my self-harm or the emotional turmoil I live with daily.

Physical disabilities are understood by the public. They are, at times, easy to spot, and a Blue Badge is something they can instantly understand.

Mental disabilities can be hidden and, unless they are disclosed, are not easily spotted. Even if they are made known, I do not believe there is the awareness out there for people to understand the scope and weight and impact these disabilities can have on peoples’ lives.

What is it like to live with my Mental Disability?

It’s hard work…would be the simple answer. I’ve spent years working hard to keep my symptoms under control…trying to hone my thoughts so that I am completely aware of my emotions, especially my annoyance, frustration and anger*; which are 2 separate emotions.

I am ALWAYS 100% aware 24/7/365 of my anger. I am reflexively on the lookout for any warning signs that I am getting annoyed, frustrated or angry. I’ve maintained this heightened awareness for 20+ years now. It rarely takes me off guard. Though it can surprise me just how quickly I can get angry at times and I always catch it in time so that I remove myself from that situation before I do something I would enjoy at the time but later regret once the flames have died down.

On a normal day I can function quite normally. You would never know I have Mental Health issues. I would say I am quite an intelligent. I have a good heart and my intentions are always honourable.

My mood can swing quite dramatically from one day to the next. One day I can be highly functional where nothing can bother me no matter how much abuse or threats I get from the public.

Then the next I am living on a ‘hair trigger’, where it would take just a simple comment to send me on a downward spiral.

*Anger

I feel I need to talk about this. If I were to give it a name; a form; I would describe it as a Dragon.

My Dragon

My Journey began

So many years ago

Where it will end

I do not know

The scars I have

You cannot see

They are not on my skin

But hidden inside me

The rage that was bottled

Has now begun to crack

Once it shatters

There’s no going back

The fight is on

The dragon has awoken

Now its container

Has finally broken

I will beat this anger

And I will thrive

I am now stronger

And I will survive

You will not kill me

That much is true

You’ve done your worst

And I say ‘Fuck off’ to you!

Whilst my Dragon slumbers there is peace in my heart and all is right with the world. But once he awakens…he just wants to watch the world burn. He is fire and fury at all the injustice I have ever experienced. He doesn’t care for others or their emotions. His pain, our pain, is too numb for the empathy of others.

My Dragon feels like raw power. I feel agony when he is fully awake. My body aches all over from holding back the pain and emotion I am feeling. I feel my legs give out from underneath me and I fall to the ground. And yet the fire doesn’t go out.

I cry. Fuck I cry. I let my dragons’ full fury out and feel him unleashed upon the universe. I cry silent tears and scream my loudest…silent scream. Not making a sound is my last and only remaining strand of control. A silent protest to my Dragon, telling him he has not bested me completely.

I HATE him and he hates me.

What is a bad day like?

On Monday 19th February 2018 I experienced, what I would describe as, ‘an episode’. This is what I call the results of a small events leading to a mental breakdown where all my defences fail and I am in a state of visible distress.

I think I slept OK the night before. I woke up several times during the night (this is normal) and didn’t feel tired. I think my cats wanted fed at 0400 and 0500 when they don’t get fed until around 0600.

I made a minor mistake this morning and it put me in a bad mood. But I was trying to keep it under control and was looking forward to a day working in ***** on my own so I can blow off some steam by going for a walk and pounding the pavement.

My mood worsened when I saw my colleague walking into my office. I was annoyed my solo day was ruined. I began my shift 10mins early and I kept my head down and my eyes looking only a few feet ahead of where I was walking. Actually I nearly bumped into a few people.

I felt very annoyed and recognised the warning signs and began to consciously do breathing exercises to calm my mood down. I knew I was in danger of having ‘an episode’.

I was OK at first; I was busy concentrating on my breathing and keeping a lid on my anger and listening to my music on a black earphone, which was helping immensely with my mood as it was giving me something else to focus on.

As I walked past the male he tried to get my attention. I thought nothing of it and continued on. Then I heard him again. I turned around and saw him giving me the finger and smiling.

That was it. That’s all it took. I felt my Dragon waking up. I knew now that I was in deep trouble. I could feel those angry flames rising and the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes.

Regardless, I fought those flames with every ounce of strength and will power I had. But it was too late. My Dragon had awoken and I knew I needed to return to my sanctuary.

Once I was there, I took a break; though I still didn’t feel safe to let loose in the way that I needed to as I knew my colleague could walk in at any moment.

Seeing me during a full blown ‘episode’ is every distressing. I don’t release all of my shackles; I never do as I am too scared to turn my Dragon loose. He just wants to destroy the world and see everything burn.

I finally began to cry as I felt the full might of the pain and fury I was trying to hold back. But I fight to stop every time a tear finds freedom. I went outside and grabbed the metal railings and just shook it hard. It swayed dangerously enough that I realised I was in danger of damaging more property.

I stood at the door and cursed the universe for giving me all this pain when I don’t deserve it. I feel my anger crystallise towards my dad and I feel furious with him for leaving me when I was 8 years old. I feel huge unimaginable guilt at feeling this emotion and my anger doubles and so does the pain.

I had terrible and distressing thoughts going through my head…feeding the fire I was trying so desperately to quench.

15mins later I rang ***** and explained what had happened. I rang again 15mins after that and following a conversation, during which time my previous fears were realised when my colleague came in and stood near me and heard more of my conversation than I wanted him to, it was decided that I was going home sick. I said I was throwing up and explained what he needed to do.

On the way home my anger was still strong. Those distressing thoughts, now made worse by the guilt I was feeling at having them, drove me to tears once again.

The drive home was dangerous. I was fighting a war; and sometimes winning, sometimes losing the battle that was raging within my own mind. A silent fight which only I was aware off. At times I was physically shaking with rage…whilst the entire time I was telling myself to calm down; focus on my breathing. Keep my mind clear and don’t think about anything.

When I finally got home I felt some relief to be somewhere safe and where I can fully express all the complex emotions and pain that were going through my head and manifesting physically through my body.

I made it into the kitchen and I just felt exhausted. I the strength I was using to keep my emotions in check was finally depleted. My legs gave out and I collapsed onto the kitchen floor.

Then the pain came…there was no holding it back. Emotional pain made physical. I felt like my entire body was in agony and I was screaming and crying as hard as my lungs would allow, but only a whisper escaped my lips as I did not want to alert anyone to my private torture.

Eventually the pain subsided enough for me to stand and compose myself; though it took several days for my anger to fully subside.

Sadly I know that this will happen again. It’s only a matter of time. It hasn’t been the first time this has happened and I know it will most definitely not be the last. It’s only a question of when…?